Beautiful Springtime
by SteveBThis is a guest post from SteveB, the host of Fort Worth Blogorrhea. Steve works for a locally-based major electronics retailer, from whom I’m sure he could get a decent bug zapper if he really wanted to.the local branch of a national design/build architectural services company, who could totally design him a house made of mosquito netting if he were so inclined. Apparently he’d rather just complain and takes sadistic pleasure in killing the smallest of God’s creatures. We’re glad to have him as a contributor and look forward to more of his observations! -Pete W.
Photo by Wm Jas
Ah, springtime in Texas. We get to experience, however briefly, weather that is neither hot nor cold. Perfect temperature to get outside and enjoy the elements. Whether a still evening like tonight, with just an occasional whiff of a breeze, or a bright beautiful afternoon, this is certainly the time of year…for bugs. Yep, these are the high holy days for the lowest common denominators of earthly creatures.
And so when planning your romantic picnic to Trinity Park, think beyond your wicker basket filled with exotic dill-havarti, prosciutto from your local charcuterie, and a good Tuscan Barbarescu, with crystal goblets wrapped in a traditional gingham. I beseech you to think as if you were heading earnestly into fierce battle, and consider well your worthy foe.
There are a few solid defensive/offensive items you should pack along with your sumptuous treats. A good ballcap is a must. Sure, it will protect your face from harmful UV rays, but it is your most solid offensive weapon against Texas’ dumbest enemies. These are the so called “mayfly”, the junebug, and the lightning bug. Many people are under the impression that the “mayfly”, which appears as a mosquito that has been nuclearized a la Marvel Comics, is a beneficial insect because it eats mosquitoes. It does not. It merely floats about, randomly banging into your face and befouling your cocktail.
The junebug is similar to the mayfly in that it zips through space with willy-nilly abandon; it has no apparent rationale for its movement, and adds to its arsenal a disturbing whizzing noise. I would defer to deep-thinking scientists familiar with the subject of Brownian Motion for a better description of why these beasts behave as randomly as they do. The junebug, unlike the mayfly, likes to target your face and ears more than your cocktail.
The lightning bug is a favorite of children because it lights up. This is neat, for a while. Then they start banging into your face and threatening your cocktail. Each of these irritants can be successfully revectored and potentially maimed with a good swat from a ballcap. The hat is also effective against larger, more wily and dangerous opponents such as the bee and the wasp, although you will likely have to relinquish your seated position and swat with a more spastic motion.
The second important defense mechanism is a lid for your cocktail. While even the most skittish child will recover from a close encounter with a mayfly, there are many folks who will consider a mayfly riddled cocktail as undrinkable. Consider lids. In tough times, I’ve utilized bar-coasters over my cocktail when these six-legged flying fools are about.
If you plan on taking the classic “child in the bluebonnets” photo, this will require full battle gear due to the proliferation of ground based biting enemies such as chiggers and ants. These are worthy adversaries and I would suggest a pair of sturdy jeans, and stoutly made leather boots. Some DEETfull insect repellents may offer some defensive protection against these foes.
Speaking of DEET. We now turn to the craftiest flying blood-sucking terrorist-Nazi insect of all. The dreaded mosquito, carrier of truly deadly payload, yet almost invisible to the naked eye. While soaking yourself in DEET can help and there are many other rumored solutions including citronella and high-frequency waves, no modern-day mortal can defeat this miserable freak. If I had an answer to this enigmatic creature, I would probably hold multiple titles of nobility in faraway paradisaical lands where I would travel from concubine to concubine on my velveteen litter, carried by stout brave men that obey my every command. Instead, I sit writing on a shabby patio, surrounded by the very beasts we discuss. I pause from my writing occasionally to take off my cap and dispatch an inbound mayfly, then replace my cap, have a sip of my cocktail, and resume writing.
Tags: bugs, Environment, essays, humor, nature, outdoors, springtime, texas reflections
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